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Some whisky humor

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Some whisky humor

Postby patrick dicaprio » Fri Sep 09, 2005 1:28 pm

A man was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer
put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at
his client.

"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer,
"you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there
in the jury box and honestly believe that if my client had
ANY whiskey he would sell it?"

Pat
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Postby Deactivated Member » Wed Sep 21, 2005 9:13 am

Did you hear about the latest distillery disaster? It seems the output of Glen Googly's grain mill was inadvertently being dumped into the nearby stream. Yes, they ground to the burn....
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Postby Deactivated Member » Wed Sep 21, 2005 11:08 am

Two blokes sitting in a bar. One says to the other "Where are ye from?" The other replies "Mull."
"Oh, is that right? I'm a Tobermory man m'sel. Whit street dae ye live in?"
"High Street."
"Well well well! So do I."

At that moment another worthy comes in to the bar and addresses the landlord. "How's things this evening?"
"No' bad - but the McLean twins are pissed again!"

:oops: :oops: :oops: :lol:
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Postby Iain » Fri Sep 30, 2005 6:07 pm

A man walks into a bar and orders a whisky. Drinks it, looks inside his breast pocket, then orders another whisky. Drinks it, looks inside his breast pocket, and orders another.

After his fourth whisky, and a fourth glance inside his pocket, he orders his fifth dram.

The barman, curious, asks him why he looks in his pocket each time before he orders another drink.

"There's a photo of the wife in there," he says. "As soon as she starts to look attractive, I'll know I've had enough and it's time to go home."
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Postby patrick dicaprio » Fri Sep 30, 2005 6:11 pm

Iain wrote:A man walks into a bar and orders a whisky. Drinks it, looks inside his breast pocket, then orders another whisky. Drinks it, looks inside his breast pocket, and orders another.

After his fourth whisky, and a fourth glance inside his pocket, he orders his fifth dram.

The barman, curious, asks him why he looks in his pocket each time before he orders another drink.

"There's a photo of the wife in there," he says. "As soon as she starts to look attractive, I'll know I've had enough and it's time to go home."


good one!!
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Postby Aidan » Fri Sep 30, 2005 7:23 pm

A bad one, but I'll post it anyway:

This fellah walks in a pub, Looks around, Spots a few people sat at a table, walks up to the bar and say's, Landlord I'll have a double whisky, give those people whatever they want, and a drink for yourself

The Landlord say's, thank you very much sir I'll have a whisky with you

About ten minutes passes and the fellah say's, Same again landlord, Double whisky for me whatever those people want and one for yourself

Again the landlord draws the drinks and thanks him

This happens about four times. And the landlord thinks, I'd better tell him owe much he owe's. So the landlord say's to the fellah, Your bill stands at £32.50p at the moment sir

The fellah say's, Oh! I've got no money

The landlord just flips his lid. Grabs the fellah by the scruff of his neck and the arse of his pants. Slings him through the door and boots him

A week later the fellah walks in the pub again, Looks round, walks to the bar and say's to the landlord, A double whisky for me, get whatever drinks those people over there want. I'm not getting you one because you get nasty when you've had drink.
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Postby Iain » Fri Sep 30, 2005 9:40 pm

Here's a worser one!

A sms aficionado goes home to his wife later than he'd promised, after indulging in a dram too many. She is not impressed by his condition.

"Sometimes I think you love Ardbeg more than you love me," she complains.

"Sometimes I think I love Loch Dhu more than you," the chap replies.
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Postby rthomson » Sat Oct 01, 2005 4:23 am

And here's a worserer one (there are several versions of this):

A man walks up to a bar and orders three drams of the same whisky. The bartender is curious but serves him nonetheless. As the customer is drinking the third dram the bartender says, "You know, if you're concerned about the place getting busy and receiving slow service you don't have to worry. I'll keep an eye on you and refill your dram when needed."
The customer said, "Well, thank you. But the thing is that one of my brothers just moved to America and the other moved to Australia. We said we'd always toast each other with whisky on Friday nights and that's why I ordered the way I did."
The bartender was touched and served his customer the same three drams every Friday night for months. One Friday night, however, the customer arrived looking very downtrodden and ordered only two whiskies. The bartender was concerned but gave him some time. As the customer slowly nursed the second whisky the bartender said, "I'm so sorry. Who died? The brother in America or the one in Australia?"
The customer replied, "What? Nobody died! My wife made me give up drinking for Lent."
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Postby MGillespie » Sun Oct 02, 2005 4:10 pm

Iain wrote:Here's a worser one!

A sms aficionado goes home to his wife later than he'd promised, after indulging in a dram too many. She is not impressed by his condition.

"Sometimes I think you love Ardbeg more than you love me," she complains.

"Sometimes I think I love Loch Dhu more than you," the chap replies.


Ouch! ;)

Mark
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