Haydock spelling it out

Flying in the face of controversy, John Haydock takes on the establishment with his new book

As my Editor has chosen to reject my latest offering, on the grounds that ‘it's too difficult for you', I offer by way of a stop-gap alternative an excerpt from my latest forthcoming publication, Haydock's Lazy Lexicon of Scotch. I have chosen to give you the letter ‘F', for no other reason than it follows ‘E', and precedes ‘G'. Sound thinking.

Facts: small words, but of great importance to lawyers, historians, pub-quiz aficionados, and only very occasionally my fellow whisky writers. Also beloved of malt whisky enthusiasts (see also Fanatics) who are often said to confuse an array of facts with knowledge.

Fairytales: often used by whisky writers and other self-styled independent experts in place of, or more frequently masquerading as, Facts (see above). Also a symptom of the state of enlightenment achieved by those enthusiasts who have digested too many Facts. See also Distillery Managers.

Fakes: Trade term used to describe the majority of antique malt whisky bottles offered for sale at auctions. See also Collectors, Fairytales, Italy.

Fame: medical term for illness that often strikes Distillery Managers and also occasionally my fellow writers. Symptoms include hallucinations, the belief that one possesses superhuman powers of communication (see LSD), and occasionally Tourette's syndrome. See Distillery Managers, passim and Fairytales.

Fanatic: [note to Editor – this old joke is far too risky to use. They might find out where I live!]

Fashion: description, of...

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• By : John Haydock
• In : Columnists
• Issue : 26
• Page : 82
• Words : 743