Found on the marketing department floor
American writer Terry Sullivan is the latest guest journalist to grace our pages. And he has some pretty cool industry insiders as contacts…
We number among our faithful readers some of the finest whisky makers,connoisseurs and spirits industry executives in the world. Luckily, we also number among our readers a few humbler folk—those who sweep up and empty the trash bins in the offices of those very executives.
Herewith, some new product plans that failed to make the cut, found on marketing department floors from Bardstown to Bruichladdich.
Captain Macallan: the original spiced malt, from a recently discovered Pictish recipe. Label illustrated with a picture of the old Cap’n himself, aboard his frigate with his pet Puffin perched on his shoulder.
Highland Pork: 10 years in sherry casks, finished with a year in an American pork barrel. A custom distillation for the U.S. Senate dining room, available by special order elsewhere. Jim Murray says “Sticks to your ribs.”
Belvedere Blonde—filtered through the hair of a thousand Polish virgins. We expect a “Euro-Hit!”
MarlBowmore: Astep beyond peat, this super-premium malt is made from barley lovingly dried over smouldering trays of Marlboro cigarettes. Made for the Italian and French markets, an American export version is available, using smoke from Marlboro Extra Light 100s.
SUSH-O: Created for California fusion restaurants—a lively blend of saki and Diet Fresca.
Mesmer-Ize: A ready-to-drink alternative to Hypnotiq, a tantalising marriage of mango, ginko-biloba, and marble-aged neutral grain spirits—all in a bright pink bottle.
Edge-o-England .....
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By Terry Sullivan
Section : The Last Word
Page number : 74
